Upon arrival to Madison this semester, you made one specific pledge to yourself: “I will not get fat. Girls won’t like me if I’m fat. Just eat normal portions for three meals a day and get to the Serf whenever you have free time.” Talk about cliché. I know your kind… I can find you at the terrace sporting red wayfarers, crocs, and a “Teach Me How to Bucky” shirt with #winning printed on the back. Thankfully you have @BigMacSimon here to correct your priorities.
I will begin my rant with a list. Asian Kitchen, Gumby’s, JD’s, Fat Sandwich Company, Campus Candy, Ian’s Pizza, Mad Dog Eatery, KFC, Taco Bell, Five Guy’s, Qdoba, Chipotle, Jimmy Johns. Above is just a sliver of the mouth-foaming restaurants that Madison has to offer. But honey, this town is a moist, six-layer, Belgian chocolate mouse cake oasis with marshmallow fluff filling, drizzled with rich caramel and hot fudge. A la mode.
If you aren’t already drenched in your own saliva, read on – as I will lay out the key reasons why these are the opportune years to stuff your face.
First off, this school is cold as balls (snowballs that is ☺). Coming from Maryland where crabs and football mark my lifestyle, ice fishing and polar bear hunting are as foreign to me as a GDI in MacTaggart’s. My proposed solution to all ya’ll that are scared of the subzero winters: get fat as hell. Increased body weight is directly proportional to your body’s increased ability to retain heat (that’s good). So seek out all-you-can-eat buffets. Get your caffeine from soda rather than coffee. Load up on carbohydrates right before bed. And by the time winter rolls around your new, natural coat will feel as warm as a north face jacket– helping you drop the coastie stereotype and beat the chills.
For all of you Wisconsinites and Minnesotans too tenacious and seasoned to worry about the cold, battle with this concept: all of your focus should be on studying. Do the math – this means there is no available time and effort to exercise and worry about what you eat. To get the most out of your study hours, you will need to take a bus or moped everywhere. You will need to be consistently eating snack food as you read to keep yourself energized and motivated (candy works the best). And above all, avoid Bascom Hill. You burn the calories entire bag of Cheetos after a year of walking up the hill, and risking that loss of nutrition is too dangerous.
To clear up any concerns about weight gain being a turn-off for the opposite sex, reality is quite the opposite. Based on numerous, evaluative studies that my three roommates and I conducted our freshman year, there is a definitive inverse relationship between working out and dating attractive people. It is true. Having flabby pecks, a double chin and sagging triceps would be the triple-whammy… resulting in a magnetic force towards your sausage fingers.
So think about these advantages of being large and in charge. Shoot for fifty pounds and the feared fifteen will grow on you before you know it. If you ever feel bloated, constipated, or have indigestion, do what I do. Turn your attention to FoodPornDaily.com and your mouth will be wetter than Lake Michigan in July. If you are still not convinced or need help mastering the freshman fifteen, email me, and I will personally help morph you into the legend: Augustus Gloop.
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