Thursday, December 8, 2011
How to Master the Freshman Fifteen
Upon arrival to Madison this semester, you made one specific pledge to yourself: “I will not get fat. Girls won’t like me if I’m fat. Just eat normal portions for three meals a day and get to the Serf whenever you have free time.” Talk about cliché. I know your kind… I can find you at the terrace sporting red wayfarers, crocs, and a “Teach Me How to Bucky” shirt with #winning printed on the back. Thankfully you have @BigMacSimon here to correct your priorities.
I will begin my rant with a list. Asian Kitchen, Gumby’s, JD’s, Fat Sandwich Company, Campus Candy, Ian’s Pizza, Mad Dog Eatery, KFC, Taco Bell, Five Guy’s, Qdoba, Chipotle, Jimmy Johns. Above is just a sliver of the mouth-foaming restaurants that Madison has to offer. But honey, this town is a moist, six-layer, Belgian chocolate mouse cake oasis with marshmallow fluff filling, drizzled with rich caramel and hot fudge. A la mode.
If you aren’t already drenched in your own saliva, read on – as I will lay out the key reasons why these are the opportune years to stuff your face.
First off, this school is cold as balls (snowballs that is ☺). Coming from Maryland where crabs and football mark my lifestyle, ice fishing and polar bear hunting are as foreign to me as a GDI in MacTaggart’s. My proposed solution to all ya’ll that are scared of the subzero winters: get fat as hell. Increased body weight is directly proportional to your body’s increased ability to retain heat (that’s good). So seek out all-you-can-eat buffets. Get your caffeine from soda rather than coffee. Load up on carbohydrates right before bed. And by the time winter rolls around your new, natural coat will feel as warm as a north face jacket– helping you drop the coastie stereotype and beat the chills.
For all of you Wisconsinites and Minnesotans too tenacious and seasoned to worry about the cold, battle with this concept: all of your focus should be on studying. Do the math – this means there is no available time and effort to exercise and worry about what you eat. To get the most out of your study hours, you will need to take a bus or moped everywhere. You will need to be consistently eating snack food as you read to keep yourself energized and motivated (candy works the best). And above all, avoid Bascom Hill. You burn the calories entire bag of Cheetos after a year of walking up the hill, and risking that loss of nutrition is too dangerous.
To clear up any concerns about weight gain being a turn-off for the opposite sex, reality is quite the opposite. Based on numerous, evaluative studies that my three roommates and I conducted our freshman year, there is a definitive inverse relationship between working out and dating attractive people. It is true. Having flabby pecks, a double chin and sagging triceps would be the triple-whammy… resulting in a magnetic force towards your sausage fingers.
So think about these advantages of being large and in charge. Shoot for fifty pounds and the feared fifteen will grow on you before you know it. If you ever feel bloated, constipated, or have indigestion, do what I do. Turn your attention to FoodPornDaily.com and your mouth will be wetter than Lake Michigan in July. If you are still not convinced or need help mastering the freshman fifteen, email me, and I will personally help morph you into the legend: Augustus Gloop.
I will begin my rant with a list. Asian Kitchen, Gumby’s, JD’s, Fat Sandwich Company, Campus Candy, Ian’s Pizza, Mad Dog Eatery, KFC, Taco Bell, Five Guy’s, Qdoba, Chipotle, Jimmy Johns. Above is just a sliver of the mouth-foaming restaurants that Madison has to offer. But honey, this town is a moist, six-layer, Belgian chocolate mouse cake oasis with marshmallow fluff filling, drizzled with rich caramel and hot fudge. A la mode.
If you aren’t already drenched in your own saliva, read on – as I will lay out the key reasons why these are the opportune years to stuff your face.
First off, this school is cold as balls (snowballs that is ☺). Coming from Maryland where crabs and football mark my lifestyle, ice fishing and polar bear hunting are as foreign to me as a GDI in MacTaggart’s. My proposed solution to all ya’ll that are scared of the subzero winters: get fat as hell. Increased body weight is directly proportional to your body’s increased ability to retain heat (that’s good). So seek out all-you-can-eat buffets. Get your caffeine from soda rather than coffee. Load up on carbohydrates right before bed. And by the time winter rolls around your new, natural coat will feel as warm as a north face jacket– helping you drop the coastie stereotype and beat the chills.
For all of you Wisconsinites and Minnesotans too tenacious and seasoned to worry about the cold, battle with this concept: all of your focus should be on studying. Do the math – this means there is no available time and effort to exercise and worry about what you eat. To get the most out of your study hours, you will need to take a bus or moped everywhere. You will need to be consistently eating snack food as you read to keep yourself energized and motivated (candy works the best). And above all, avoid Bascom Hill. You burn the calories entire bag of Cheetos after a year of walking up the hill, and risking that loss of nutrition is too dangerous.
To clear up any concerns about weight gain being a turn-off for the opposite sex, reality is quite the opposite. Based on numerous, evaluative studies that my three roommates and I conducted our freshman year, there is a definitive inverse relationship between working out and dating attractive people. It is true. Having flabby pecks, a double chin and sagging triceps would be the triple-whammy… resulting in a magnetic force towards your sausage fingers.
So think about these advantages of being large and in charge. Shoot for fifty pounds and the feared fifteen will grow on you before you know it. If you ever feel bloated, constipated, or have indigestion, do what I do. Turn your attention to FoodPornDaily.com and your mouth will be wetter than Lake Michigan in July. If you are still not convinced or need help mastering the freshman fifteen, email me, and I will personally help morph you into the legend: Augustus Gloop.
Wassup all my bitches
As I sit here in class next to the infamous one and only Maximus Simon I was thinking... Do uglier people have uglier genitalia?
No, I was actually not thinking that, but rather how we are all Sophomores and most of us in the so called 1002 Statesider clan have committed our lives to another special someone. Oh, how nice... NOT! Fuck that. With Max dating Marr, Emily fucking Brett, Keith with some ho 8 hours away, and Abby hooking up with somebody too but I forget his/her name. Love getting married at 19.
I sit here a single, beautiful male, white, strong, and a dirty mother fucker. No pressure for my ass to involve myself with another person. But I was thinking that once everybody gets their head back on straight we can rage like we did in the S.S. Till then, I will continue picking my nose and sitting in my room doing nothing with my life, EXCEPT LIVING IT AND EATING EASY MAC EVERY DAY.
So bored. Dykes are dykes and bikes are bikes. Go Chicago and Go Badgers. I wonder what it be like if a Badger fucked a Duck? Guess we will see in January. PEACE OUT BITCHES. #blogstar
No, I was actually not thinking that, but rather how we are all Sophomores and most of us in the so called 1002 Statesider clan have committed our lives to another special someone. Oh, how nice... NOT! Fuck that. With Max dating Marr, Emily fucking Brett, Keith with some ho 8 hours away, and Abby hooking up with somebody too but I forget his/her name. Love getting married at 19.
I sit here a single, beautiful male, white, strong, and a dirty mother fucker. No pressure for my ass to involve myself with another person. But I was thinking that once everybody gets their head back on straight we can rage like we did in the S.S. Till then, I will continue picking my nose and sitting in my room doing nothing with my life, EXCEPT LIVING IT AND EATING EASY MAC EVERY DAY.
So bored. Dykes are dykes and bikes are bikes. Go Chicago and Go Badgers. I wonder what it be like if a Badger fucked a Duck? Guess we will see in January. PEACE OUT BITCHES. #blogstar
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Blackout Bullseye
After a long Friday night of sippin’ Firewhiskey and chuggin’ Butterbeer, Polyjuice potion often sneaks into the mix – morphing muggles into one of the two possible alter-egos: the sleeper, the toilet hugger, or the thrill seeker. I don’t pass out. I don’t puke. I seek adventure.
Yeah, I’m in a frat. Yeah, I go hard (in legal fashion). And after the JD’s/Asian Kitchen combo at bar time, I am more eager than a saber-toothed tiger to pounce on anything from scavenger hunts to pillow fights. But two specific things have recently been smacking me in the face with remarkable force: fists and darts.
Just kidding about the fists. On a serious note, there is nothing more exhilarating, life threatening, and intelligent than playing some good, old-fashioned darts… while smashed. To give you a minor grasp of my newfound hobby, some say my particular dartboard is comparable to a kosher leprechaun (only I have one). A snag at $5.00 from a dollar store, it is not only 5x better than any other store item, but it also puts all other dartboards to shame. Intricately rotating between black and white patterns, it serves as an optical illusion to guarantee the finest brain spins. Additionally, the dart tips are extra sharp to ensure virtually painless skin piercing (looks great as a lip stud).
You haven’t even heard the best part yet! It only has numbers 1-9 on it, ridding the need for calculating scores on a TI-84 plus… saving me approximately $104.99. As you can see, buying the most tricked out dartboard in the world saved me enough money to go buy 100 items off the dollar menu at McDonald’s. That’s called strategy.
And so the adventure begins. I don’t mean to sound obsessed, but the intrigue of chucking metal-tippers across a room full of mindless, half-naked bros is an incomparable satisfaction. Will I hit the board this time? Will Colin take another one to the face? Determination, will power, and pure focus are all put to test as champions are born or eyeballs are gashed. The intensity is tangible. Last time we played, my buddy Mike didn’t blink for two hours. Now he wears an eyewear contraption that blinks for him. “What is this, amateur hour?” I questioned. Yes, I just quoted myself.
The moral of this story is obvious. Do not upchuck your lunch after three lemon drops. Do not even think about hitting the hay before 3:00 a.m. on the weekend. Man up, put yourself out there in the world of late-night carousing, and find your goddamn niche. I found mine in the department of dart throwing and look at me now - I have more fun than all freshmen combined.
(I wrote this as an article for The Odyssey, but it was too profane for a college audience)
Yeah, I’m in a frat. Yeah, I go hard (in legal fashion). And after the JD’s/Asian Kitchen combo at bar time, I am more eager than a saber-toothed tiger to pounce on anything from scavenger hunts to pillow fights. But two specific things have recently been smacking me in the face with remarkable force: fists and darts.
Just kidding about the fists. On a serious note, there is nothing more exhilarating, life threatening, and intelligent than playing some good, old-fashioned darts… while smashed. To give you a minor grasp of my newfound hobby, some say my particular dartboard is comparable to a kosher leprechaun (only I have one). A snag at $5.00 from a dollar store, it is not only 5x better than any other store item, but it also puts all other dartboards to shame. Intricately rotating between black and white patterns, it serves as an optical illusion to guarantee the finest brain spins. Additionally, the dart tips are extra sharp to ensure virtually painless skin piercing (looks great as a lip stud).
You haven’t even heard the best part yet! It only has numbers 1-9 on it, ridding the need for calculating scores on a TI-84 plus… saving me approximately $104.99. As you can see, buying the most tricked out dartboard in the world saved me enough money to go buy 100 items off the dollar menu at McDonald’s. That’s called strategy.
And so the adventure begins. I don’t mean to sound obsessed, but the intrigue of chucking metal-tippers across a room full of mindless, half-naked bros is an incomparable satisfaction. Will I hit the board this time? Will Colin take another one to the face? Determination, will power, and pure focus are all put to test as champions are born or eyeballs are gashed. The intensity is tangible. Last time we played, my buddy Mike didn’t blink for two hours. Now he wears an eyewear contraption that blinks for him. “What is this, amateur hour?” I questioned. Yes, I just quoted myself.
The moral of this story is obvious. Do not upchuck your lunch after three lemon drops. Do not even think about hitting the hay before 3:00 a.m. on the weekend. Man up, put yourself out there in the world of late-night carousing, and find your goddamn niche. I found mine in the department of dart throwing and look at me now - I have more fun than all freshmen combined.
(I wrote this as an article for The Odyssey, but it was too profane for a college audience)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Chai Tea on a Cold Winter Day
How good is chai tea on a cold winter day? So good. So good.
Readers, let me know what you think. Feedback is appreciated.
Readers, let me know what you think. Feedback is appreciated.
Jelly on my Sandal
As my first experience with blogging, I will be ranting about "jelly on my sandal." As I was whipping up a fruity pebbles snack treat with peanut butter and jelly on top, an incident occured. Not a murder, not a homicide, but JELLY FELL ON MY SANDAL. So I got a tissue and wiped it off, but I'm pretty sure that the jelly is going to leave either a stain or a smelly vibe. Not cool Jelly. Ruinin' vibes and all.
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